3rd Child Energy

Unsolicited advice is the worst advice because even when it's good, or for that matter needed, it always carries it with it an air of presumption. Few scenarios more vexingly attract unsolicited advice than matters parental. That must be especially so for first time parents who, for a particular type of person, seem eternal victims of a desire to show off expertise and proficiency.

I long ago learnt to confine my observations to those expecting their firstborn to expressions of reassurance that they will almost certainly discover what works best for them and their baby. But if there was one thing I could wish for all fresher parents then that would be 3rd child energy.

I should make clear here that I'm a parent of two and therefore I know not of what I write from personal experience. However, I have enough friends with 3 to see that the one thing no parent of 3 ever has is time. No time for doubt, no time for reflection, no time for self-reproach.

In a family of 5 the newest arrival's basic needs must of course be met but there is distraction and obligation at every turn. It's often said that children compete for their parents' attention but it's less often remarked that is perhaps a good thing and, maybe, a better thing yet they don't have it all the time.

By all means babies should be doted upon and it goes without saying they should be loved but I'm not convinced it does babies any good for them to be obsessed over. I don't think it does parents any good to do the obsessing either. It is natural for first time parents to get obsessional over their firstborn's wellbeing because caring for a baby is, at the beginning, an intimidating prospect and the vulnerability of babies feels a lot like frailty. But most babies if they're fed, rested and stimulated are actually pretty robust.

They're also remarkable emotional barometers and if they perceive a busy, active family around them they fall into its routines and rhythms. On the other hand if they sense only overwrought, anxious and stressed parents for company it is perhaps not surprising if they start mirroring those emotions.

The obvious difficulty with 3rd child energy, which I acknowledge, is how a first timer is supposed to tap into it. It's rather like taking a first time skier up to a Black run and suggesting that they adopt some Tomba energy or taking a beginner driver onto the M1 and recommending a Hamilton vibe.

The problem with experience is that it is only achieved by experience. That does not mean we don't have our imaginations or that we shouldn't use them. So if I was asked for advice by an expectant mother or father I would ask them to imagine that this was their 3rd born and not their 1st and see what effect that has on their outlook and attitude. As adults we already know how to crawl, walk and run so perhaps it's just a question of mentality whether we take faltering first steps as parents or break immediately into a confident trot.