The worst question

On Saturday recently the 7yo’s team went down 1-0 to Primrose Hill he having presciently warned me to ‘never underestimate Primrose’. Over a consolatory pizza he completely sideswiped me with a question that left me quite literally speechless. I had complacently assumed I was the kind of parent that could take any kiddie q in my stride but this was an absolute pearler. Out of absolutely nowhere: 

“Dad, what is the worst thing you have ever done?” 

I sat gulping at him like a goldfish while he nonchalantly reached for another slice of pizza. When you’re in the questions business you know you’ve asked a ripper when the witness responds with stunned silence. So bold and effective was this enquiry that I have considered incorporating it into my standard cross-examination routine. I was half minded to say why don’t we talk about babies come from instead? 

My brain went into frantic overdrive as I snatched in vain for any answer that would fill the unforgiving silence that was growing between us. Just as I was about to equivocate with the classic diversion of asking a question of my own he followed up: 

“I know already, you once tried a cigarette didn’t you.” 

Immediately I seized on this: “You got me kiddo, guilty as charged!” I said with relief that I hadn’t volunteered a single one of the possible answers I was going to give. Mercifully he did not follow up with asking what the second worst thing I had ever done was. Nor, slightly less reassuringly, did he elaborate on why he had selected this particular line of enquiry. The conversation moved quickly on but the effect of the question did not. 

My initial intention had been to ask him to define the terms of his question. By worst did he mean most embarrassing, most foolish, most unkind? Or were we in 7 Deadly Sins territory: most prideful, greediest, wrathful, envious, lustful, gluttonous or idle? When he’s a bit older, perhaps 47 for example, I might follow up my curiosity with him. Absurdly my chief anxiety was that my answer was going to disappoint him. Like most people I would not want every moment of my life broadcast on the Piccadilly Circus billboards but all told, so far at least, my history is a bit thin when it comes to iniquity and perdition. 

There’s something a bit bombastic about superlatives but I do think the youngster may have been onto something. Try asking your parent of what achievement they are most proud, (instant disqualification if the answer is birthing or rearing you). If they’ve won an Oscar or a Nobel prize their answer might be rather predictable but in most cases, I suspect, there would be more than a surprise or two. 

Likewise, eliciting from your parent which was their most shaming moment may not be your most endearing moment but it’s an enquiry of challenge and an opportunity, therefore, for some truth telling and seeing your parent as a human first and parent second.