Even the most disengaged parent is likely to know that there are four types of attachment: secure, anxious-ambivalent, disorganised and avoidant. It's pretty obvious which is the 'good' one. Bonding with one's children is an interesting thing to think about because the reality is usually so hugely more complicated than the Hallmark cards would have you believe.
I have a theory about parenting. With the exception of a few extremely evolved outliers most parents are good for parenting their children as children or good for parenting their children as adults. It is exceptionally difficult to excel at both.
Parents good for parenting their children as children are hardwired for the child's eye view. What is fun for children, how do children see the world, what are the limits of a child. They excel at throwing birthday parties for their children, organising games, they don't need playgrounds because they can turn the whole world into their child's playground. They have limitless reserves of imagination and patience. Basically I'm describing Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.
Children of these parents are generally the fortunate beneficiaries of a secure parenting style. Their parent is reliable and can be relied upon. They will lead the singing of Say Hello to the Sun at baby sensory classes and know all the actions. Their homes will be a haven of finger paints and crafts. All is safe and all is sound.
Unfortunately the adult world is often not safe and it is rarely sound. This is where parents good at parenting their children as adults come into their own. Because they see the world with determinedly adult eyes they can be its guide to their children. When all must have prizes gives way to dog eats dog they ensure their children are ready for the fight not lying on the sofa waiting to have their tummies tickled.
When their children have adult problems they are offered adult advice. Autonomy and independence are cherished and if that means the parent doesn't often see the child that is because they are out in the world making their way and that's as it should be.
Ideas are more important than activities, conversation carries more weight than crafting. If we're sticking with the Sound of Music this is the kind of mother the Baroness would be. These parents are unsentimental about putting away the things of childhood because they were never very good at playing with them in the first place.
If you think this theory is far fetched just consider your friend whose mother is still doing his washing at 35 or that godchild whose father is trying to get him into debating aged 8 then you'll see what I mean.
