Parenting at See Level

There are occasions in life when you know before someone has even tied their laces or stepped on a stage that they will make a match winning footballer or a scene stealing actor. But then there are times when Escoffier like skill in the kitchen or Dürer-ability with a pencil can come as a complete surprise. One of the many joys of parenting is seeing your children’s more predictable talents come to fruition but then being blindsided by their hidden talents appearing like a conjuror’s rabbit. 

Talent at parenting is not a quality we are very well trained at perceiving or indeed cultivating before the moment comes. And yet I would suggest it is a top three prerequisite when it comes to mate selection along with certainty that they’re not a feckless swine with the household finances and that they won’t forget your birthday. 

How do you tell if someone will make a good parent? Well, an obvious starting point is to see how they are around children. By which I obviously don’t mean get them to hang around the local school at chuck out time. In fact, this particular example of ‘try before you buy’ can be quite hard to engineer as first you will need to procure a child. Unless your parents had a really serious accident that is very unlikely to be a sibling. Here, definitely, nephews and nieces come into their own. 

Suggest to your prospect (not on the First Date!!!) hanging out one afternoon when it just so happens you’re doing the babysitting. Are they washing their hair even though they’ve been bald since 25? Then there’s your answer. Try to ensure that they are actively involved. Anyone can feign parenting potential in the passive mood. Does their jaw clench at the first sign of infant restiveness? Or are they down on the floor faster than a Navy Seal. 

And here’s the Max Hardy secret patented parenting assessment. I have learned that there is one absolutely unimpeachable litmus test for parental promise. How are they on the floor? I don’t mean like that, obviously. I mean are they content at child level, quite literally. Good parenting requires good communication and good communication requires good eye contact. Unfortunately, small child eyes are about 3 feet from the floor, what I like to call the ‘see level’. 

If they get down there like a horse at the knacker’s yard then you’ve got a problem. They might talk the talk but if they don’t walk the walk, by which I mean crawl the crawl, then you’re looking at a parenting passenger. And I can tell you it takes one to know one.

Breastfeeding and Blokes

 

'About which you know nothing say nothing' is a maxim I try to bear in mind when yet again I imprudently decide to venture my opinion in a public forum. I sometimes think an international moratorium on opinions and takes would do more to achieve world peace than the UN has ever managed to do. Therefore it is with a significant dose of caution that I set out here some thoughts on World Breastfeeding Week which ends on Saturday.

Just as it remains something of a mystery to me quite how many gynaecologists and obstetricians are still men there are few topics where the views of men are perhaps less welcome or useful than breastfeeding. I would not countenance to address such views that I do have to women or mothers, other than to observe that a fed baby is a healthy baby and a fed baby is a happy baby. If that remains your lodestar you're unlikely to go far wrong.

Where I feel I am qualified to speak is to men and fathers. The first thing I have to say is that this week applies to you too. If you think breastfeeding is only of concern to women and mothers then you think babyfeeding is only of concern to mothers, then you think babycare is only of concern to mothers, then you are an absent father, whether you're under the same roof or not. 

If you're thinking of having children, if your partner is pregnant, if you're driving home from labour it is never too early nor too late to talk about babyfeeding. The important thing, however, is that you do talk. You may never have given a moment's thought to breastfeeding or you may have read every study ever published on the topic but if you don't talk there is no dialogue and without dialogue there is room for confusion, assumption, anxiety and, worst of all, guilt.

Guilt afflicted parenting in the early days and weeks is about the most destabilising thing a parent, particularly a mother, can go through. If you the father are offering unconditional support without judgement then guilt should wither before it can take root. But offering support without judgement requires you to examine your opinions and views. What they are and, more importantly, where they come from.

Like all genuinely useful things in life, how to apply for a mortgage, how to change the wheel on a car, breastfeeding is not taught in schools. One of the greatest misconceptions in life is that because something is 'natural' it is easy. Breastfeeding is not easy. It requires teaching, it requires learning, it requires patience and it requires support. If your partner wants to or is trying to breastfeed then agitating against that and impeding her is the worst thing you can do. Do not EVER think that you have any claim on her breasts, still less imply that you do.

Because many women do not, these days, have the benefit of being surrounded by supportive and nurturing old hands to show them exactly how it's done you need to consider what they (and you) are surrounded by and that is advertising. Advertising that says that a paid for product is the answer to any and all difficulty. Sometimes it may be but sometimes that difficulty can be overcome with advice from the right source and reassurance from the right direction. Find that advice and be that reassurance.

All the statistics suggest that in Britain we don't breastfeed very much or for very long. If you think that is a shame or a problem take the time to consider why and take the trouble to investigate the reasons for that. It is a complicated issue but it should not be a frightening or alien one. Most of all it's not just a mothers' issue.