A Feedback Folly

There are numerous things that many British people have an instinctive and immediate dislike for and one of those is feedback: both the giving and receiving of it. In societies that prize directness and speaking one’s mind telling someone exactly what you think of them and their performance comes as naturally as the leaves on the trees. 

For the British, however, there is all the labour of circumlocution and its interpretation. The safest place to communicate these oblique messages is, of course, in writing. Face to face encounters require command of the body and voice so that they do not betray what the words are so carefully designed to conceal or merely imply. 

So it is that parent teacher meetings represent a peculiarly fraught rite of passage for new parents. Not just face to face feedback but a reckoning of parenting skill and endeavour. My wife, being German, had much less anxiety than I about how our inaugural post-Covid 5 minutes would go. 

Inevitably the anticipation proved far worse than the actuality although it takes a peculiarly Trunchbullish teacher to say anything unkind about a 6 year old. Instead, we were gratifyingly assured about how empathetic our eldest was. Indeed, we were told that if any other child was sad or the subject of unkind words or actions our lad was the first to tell teacher. 

‘So he’s a grass, you mean?’ I said. 

‘No that’s not what I mean’, replied the teacher with a forbearing smile, while my wife kicked me under the table. 

One thing I did note was that rather like a patient leaving a consultation the most important thing is said the moment they are walking out the G.P.’s door; it was the teacher’s parting words that really conveyed where we needed to be putting in extra work. 

Teachers are dispassionate judges of our children’s characters whose assessment helps wrest us from parental indulgence or, more rarely these days, severity. Sometimes teachers can be blessed with striking powers of foresight. Consider the Eton Master in College’s unyielding analysis of Boris Johnson’s character. 

Everything he became he already was. And by way of aside ask yourself this curious little question – how ever did that prescient critique of him make its way into the public domain? Surprisingly (or not) the answer seems to be that the family approved its publication. 

Anyway, back to feedback. It’s one of the features of reaching adulthood that feedback is delivered to the person and not the parent. This is a necessary evolution. The mere idea of your boss or, still more terrifyingly, your spouse providing feedback about you to your parents will likely seem completely and utterly bizarre although it would make for some very lively discussion around the Sunday roast. If you're feeling particularly provoking perhaps try it some time?