When babies are born they're all me, me, me. Agonisingly slowly they come to be aware that other people exist. Even more slowly they come to care about other people's feelings, including those of theirs parents. Then eventually, many, many years later, maybe they come to care about their parents' needs (maybe).
One of my earliest blogs commented upon the blinding realisation of what your parents did for you, however inadequately, that comes upon you when you have a child of your own. Because until you are a parent yourself the parent/child dynamic between you and your parents will remain just that, whether you are 6 and they're 36 or you're 66 and they're 96. When you have a child the equation becomes parent - child/parent.
It is just as well that most children are entirely oblivious to their parents' needs. Imagine how miserable childhood would be if you were constantly alert to your mother's grievous lack of fulfilment or your father's career disappointment? Obviously the brutal reality for many children is that there is some undeveloped awareness of just those issues but ultimately actually being an adult and seeing your parents as adults rather than just caregivers takes the time it takes.
It sometimes feels that a large part of parenting is protecting children from adult problems, experiences, temptations and disappointments. When those things come prematurely they're perceived but not understood and thereby are planted some very unhealthy seeds for the future. If, on the other hand, all that shepherding and shielding succeeds then, like film classifications, all your child's life experiences will be age appropriate ready for the full smorgasbord when they hit 18.
What sometimes gets lost in the paranoia and hysteria about what children may be seeing and doing online and 'too soon' adult content and experiences is that children don't, can't and mustn't remain children forever. Proper parenting involves getting children ready to be adults so that when they fly the nest (assuming they do) they don't hurtle straight to the ground.
Keeping your child in a state of arrested development, interestingly, can actually be a lot easier than ensuring they go through all the gears in the right order at the right time. The penalty for failing to ensure that happens is they never lose their L plates as adults. And, as my wife can periodically attest, there is nothing more unattractive than a 40 year old child.
The Holy Grail of parenting is having your child one day look you in the eye, metaphorically if not literally, and say I see you as your own person with your own hopes, wishes, needs and desires and, what is more, insofar as I can I will support you in achieving them.
From that moment on although your child will remain forever your child your fundamental task as a parent has been fulfilled. It also augurs well as a realisation on your child's part that the inexorable ravages of time will one day see them ministering to your needs when you are no long able to attend to them yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment