Don't just stand there, do something! - Teaching boys to become men

 

Good parents instil in their children that most basic biblical maxim of all: All things therefore whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. Although if Saint Matthew was laying down the Golden Rule in 2021 that would probably be rendered as 'Don't be a dick' or 'Be kind'.

As a father of sons it is (sadly) necessary to consider not just the harms that might befall them but to counsel them against the harms they might inflict on others, particularly women. Obviously, as a starting point, an age appropriate conversation about the importance of not committing literal criminal offences. That is, however, most certainly not the end of it.

There is a whole spectrum of conduct that falls short of actual criminality which tarnishes the Golden Rule. It may be the basic discourtesy of 'ghosting' someone you've been dating or intrusion into a conversation in which you're not involved (a social media solecism I have definitely committed). More troublingly it may be the failure to take no for an answer or a slut shaming response to a sexual rejection. Then there is the cat calling and obscene gestures which instantly reveal the Mr Hyde in the men that engage in them.

All of that is not OK and it is a gross failure of parenting if your son grows up not understanding that.

But here's the hard part. Being a good man isn't just about not being a bad man. No man should define his character by what he is not. It is hardly a badge of pride to declare that you are not a rapist. Instead I would hope that my sons will grow up evidencing their character through their actions, through who and what they are.

A lot of that should not be difficult. Good manners cost nothing, as they say, and giving lone women a wide berth at night is a simple demonstration of that. Listening and acting on the concerns of women causes you no harm or loss.

But the inescapable fact is that there is more to it than that. A good man takes action when he sees another man letting the side down. And if that sounds an absurd forms of words don't think that the wrong actions of other men have no impact on you. That impact may not be directly felt by you but women at the receiving end of unwanted attention and worse from one man will naturally hesitate in the vicinity and company of other perfectly blameless men including you.

Policing the behaviour of others does carry a potential cost. If you're with a bunch of mates that indulge in group jeering and you step in you run the risk of ostracism. Likewise if you're on a train and you stand up to a man hassling a woman you risk a fist in the face. But in the first situation you need to ask yourself if the price you pay for friendship with such men is really worth it. In the latter the quiet unmanly shame of going home having stood by and done nothing.

Women pay the price every day for the inaction of 'good' men. Actively contributing to a culture of intolerance for lesser sexual aggressions not only improves the lives and wellbeing of women at the receiving end of them but it helps focus attention on those intent on serious sexual offences.

The lesson for my sons will be a simple one: Don't just stand there, do something!