A close friend and I were talking about children and competence and he said that he eventually felt his son was becoming competent when, finally, he could clip in his own seatbelt. Of such little things are the most maddening parts of parenting made. It is easier for a rich man to pass into the Kingdom of Heaven than it is to strap in a toddler mid-meltdown.
Every parent will have their own personal bugbear about the things that their children can not do. In a strange way it is easiest when they are a newborn because they literally can't do anything. Even, in the case of many babies, suckle. So steeled are new parents for their baby's incompetence that they will often check they are still breathing.
As the months pass and such feats as not needing the head supported, not needing to be burped and not needing to be fed five million times in the night are achieved it can feel that real progress to basic competence is being made. Then they turn two. The problem with the toddler years is that development continues but to the soundtrack of regularly random screaming which tends to obscure the progress. Recently I had to carry my child out of Waitrose like a rugby ball tucked under my arm so close were the security guards coming to calling the police or social services or both.
Nonetheless, slowly but surely, skills are being learnt and the inching towards independence continues. Of course, until recently, you would be well within your rights to expect your child to get a job at 16 but as decades have been added at the other end of life there has been a begrudging acceptance that children should be permitted a little more dependence before they take flight. Although living with your mum at 40 is still definitely not OK.
What I find interesting is the concept of catching up with your parents. Eventually one day you're on a level with them. Your competence at life matches theirs. This is a hallowed time that in many families goes unnoticed but for a period, which may be years or decades, the parent/child dynamic take second place to mutually respectful and beneficial adult dialogue.
Of course if the slights or wounds of childhood are allowed to linger this time may never come, equally if a parent refuses to acknowledge the independence and autonomy of their child they will never look at them eye to eye.
Eventually the circle of life dictates that the child's competence will surpass the parent's. At this point the child has to make a choice, either consciously or unconsciously. If the child's incompetence was met with love and care the chances are the child will reciprocate that in turn. The lessons learned in childhood reach their fullest fruition decades later. Conversely poor parenting at the start is likely to lead to poor care at the end.
As the saying goes; what goes around comes around. Food for thought for parents of any age.
Every parent will have their own personal bugbear about the things that their children can not do. In a strange way it is easiest when they are a newborn because they literally can't do anything. Even, in the case of many babies, suckle. So steeled are new parents for their baby's incompetence that they will often check they are still breathing.
As the months pass and such feats as not needing the head supported, not needing to be burped and not needing to be fed five million times in the night are achieved it can feel that real progress to basic competence is being made. Then they turn two. The problem with the toddler years is that development continues but to the soundtrack of regularly random screaming which tends to obscure the progress. Recently I had to carry my child out of Waitrose like a rugby ball tucked under my arm so close were the security guards coming to calling the police or social services or both.
Nonetheless, slowly but surely, skills are being learnt and the inching towards independence continues. Of course, until recently, you would be well within your rights to expect your child to get a job at 16 but as decades have been added at the other end of life there has been a begrudging acceptance that children should be permitted a little more dependence before they take flight. Although living with your mum at 40 is still definitely not OK.
What I find interesting is the concept of catching up with your parents. Eventually one day you're on a level with them. Your competence at life matches theirs. This is a hallowed time that in many families goes unnoticed but for a period, which may be years or decades, the parent/child dynamic take second place to mutually respectful and beneficial adult dialogue.
Of course if the slights or wounds of childhood are allowed to linger this time may never come, equally if a parent refuses to acknowledge the independence and autonomy of their child they will never look at them eye to eye.
Eventually the circle of life dictates that the child's competence will surpass the parent's. At this point the child has to make a choice, either consciously or unconsciously. If the child's incompetence was met with love and care the chances are the child will reciprocate that in turn. The lessons learned in childhood reach their fullest fruition decades later. Conversely poor parenting at the start is likely to lead to poor care at the end.
As the saying goes; what goes around comes around. Food for thought for parents of any age.
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