Don't Worry Be Pappy - Fathering & The Fear

If you're an anxious person you should think twice before having a baby.  If you're not an anxious person you should also think twice before having a baby.  There is a universal omertà that prevents parents from sharing the truest tribulations of having a child.  Secrets that make freemasonry seem an orgy of oversharing.  The biggest secret is the fear.  The fear that starts with your baby's first breath and is just as strong with your last.

Checking that a baby is still breathing seems a mad thing until you have a baby when doing anything else seems a madness of irresponsibility.  Eventually (most) parents are able to reintroduce some basic functions into their lives like eating and sleeping, getting dressed even.  But an instinctive anxiety has been woken that will never be laid to rest.

That is why if you're already anxious you need to realise that there are levels and intensity of anxiety that even at your most overwrought you could scarcely conceive of.  If you're not anxious you need to  realise that you are about to introduce into your life a gnawing insatiable concern, a stone will be cast into your millpond and it will never cease rippling.  Or you will fall into the tiny minority of parents for whom having a child creates no care or concern at all, but there is no relief to be had there, for these are the bad parents incapable or unwilling to acknowledge nature's law that the self must surrender to the child.

As the father of a 13 month old I have enough foresight to realise that I am only beginning to get acquainted with the dimensions of base camp and that the ascent in earnest still lies ahead.  But like any mountaineer surveying a lofty peak I am not blind to the climb that lies in front of me.   There will be crevasses unseen and rockfalls unexpected but the goal and the general sense of the route lies clear before me.  And every step of the way will be the fear.  But parenting, unlike mountaineering, provides a multiplicity of subsidiary fears to lend novelty and variety to the experience.  

I have made a table:

Age	Fear C	Fear B	Fear A
Life BC (Before Child)	Homelessness/Unemployment/ Loneliness	Death of spouse/sibling /parent	Death of oneself
0-6 weeks	Will the baby ever latch on	Death	Death
6 weeks –3 months	Will the baby ever sleep	Will I ever sleep again	Death
3-4 months	Will I ever wear clothes again	Will I ever leave the house again	Death
4-6 months	Will I remember how to talk to adults	This is forever isn’t it	Death
6-9 months	Will the baby ever sit up	I had a sex life once	Death
9-12 months	Can’t wait to go back to work	Dreading going back to work	Death
12-15 months	Childcare	Childcare	Death
15-18 months	Will the child ever learn to walk	Who thought flying long haul was a good idea	Death
18-24 months	Will the child ever learn to talk	Will I ever not be picking up toys	Death
2-3 years	The nursery costs how much	Will I ever not smell of puke	Death
3-4 years	Is it too soon to have another	Is it too late to have another	Death
4-5 years	What do you mean we live 50 yards outside the catchment area	Is it too late to start going to church	Death
5-6 years	Will the child ever learn to ride a bike	Will the child ever learn to write	Death
6-7 years	Can’t believe the child still believes in Father Christmas	How do we stop the child finding out	Death
7-8 years	Why hasn’t my child been invited	I can’t believe we forgot to bring a present	Death
8-9 years	Why is the child being bullied	Why is the child bullying	Death
9-10 years	Being top of the class isn’t everything	Should we get a tutor	Death
10-11 years	Learning a musical instrument is very important	The recorder is Satan’s stick	Death
11-12 years	Big school	Puberty	Death
12-13	Puberty	Puberty	Death
13-14	I hope the child isn’t sexting	I hope the child isn’t smoking	Death
14-15	I hope the child isn’t smoking weed	I can’t believe I thought babies were difficult	Death
15-16	Please don’t get pregnant	Please don’t get your girlfriend pregnant	Death
16-17	GCSEs	GCSEs	Death
17-18	Will the child ever pass the driving test	Car insurance costs how much	Death
18-19	A-Levels	A-Levels	Death
19-20	A gap year was a terrible idea	Child is really missing out without a gap year	Death
20-21	As long as they get a 2:1	A 2:2 isn’t the end of the world	Death
20s	Will the child ever get a job	Will the child ever move out	Death
30s	Will the child ever get married	Please get pregnant	Death
40s	Please don’t get divorced	Please don’t get made redundant	Death
50s	Please don’t buy a Ferrari	She’s completely unsuitable, why didn’t the child learn first time	Death
60s	Please don’t put me in a nursing home	No, really don’t	Death