Whether you have a rich and expansive imagination or you're Mr Literal you will understand, on one level at least, that having a baby will change your life. A child adds complication, exhaustion and joy, it subtracts time, money and sleep. Much (much, much, much) is written about the sleep deficit. In the middle of the night or at 0500 for the 10th day in a row that stolen sleep feels like a heist on your life force. But in truth even the worst sleeping baby eventually works out that night is night and day is day.
The financial hit most certainly does not go away and the brutal reality is that having a kid is like trying to fill a bath with no plug when it comes to money. But you cut your cloth, you do what you have to in order to manage. And you do, you survive, if lucky, you thrive.
So sleep returns, the books are balanced. But time? Well there are 24 hours in a day and it doesn't matter how old your child is that won't change. Likewise, high earner or low, you can't remake the clock. And reconciling with this reality is one of the most fundamental and yet most difficult tasks of parenthood. I don't know about you but when I'm short on time I get stressed and when I'm stressed I get angry. Being stressed and angry is great if you're the Incredible Hulk, it's pretty lousy if you're a barrister and bloody terrible if you're a dad.
One of the problems I have to wrestle with is that if you're a barrister you have a court day, you have a prep day, you have a life evening and you have a sleep night. When you insert a child or two into that routine you have to contract something else. You can't contract the court day because it's not yours to contract. If you contract the sleep night you will come a cropper very fast. That leaves the prep day and the life evening. Obviously the life evening is the first to be sacrificed. But when that's done for it leaves the prep day.
The prep day is personal to every barrister. Only you know when you feel ready. Only the judge and the jury get to decide if you actually are ready. Going to court when you don't feel entirely ready is genuinely one of the most uncomfortable experiences I know. Like starting a marathon when you haven't done the training or turning over an exam paper when you haven't done the revision. Apart from being uncomfortable and frightening it's obviously extremely unprofessional.
So the prep day has to remain as sacrosanct as possible but that then puts it into conflict with the parenting day. The most difficult thing being that the parenting day is actually pretty predictable, after all, children thrive on routine. But the barrister's prep day is never, ever predictable. Sometimes there is no prep. Sometimes the prep wipes out the parenting day, the life evening and a good chunk of the sleep night. And that can go on for days or even weeks. Quite often you expect no or little prep then suddenly a skeleton needs drafting or a trial comes in without notice. Occasionally you anticipate heavy prep and it all goes away because your client pleads or a court hearing is vacated.
However bad this is for you it is an utter, utter nightmare for your co-parent. Successful parenting depends first and foremost on good communication but only a pace behind is predictability. Being reliable. Showing up on time, ready to go. If you prioritise the prep then reliability goes out the window. However if you sacrifice the prep the parenting is stressed and you're angry. Children are emotional barometers and sponges and the outlook has to be fair and settled if you want them asleep and settled.
I can't pretend to have found a complete solution to this problem, other than chuck it in and get a 9 to 5, but two things that really help are enormous self-discipline and gearing. In relation to the former that means doing one thing at a time and not just with your hands but with your head as well. If your head is stuck in a case when you're looking after a child you're not looking after a child. Likewise if you're getting to your feet in court turning over what you want to say at the Parent/Teacher evening you're cheating your client.
By gearing I mean learning how to transition from one activity to another. When divers ascend they have to do so at a particular speed to avoid the bends. It's exactly the same with work and parenting. Switching immediately from one mode to another guarantees that you will be in the wrong head space. Like the gears on a bicycle you can't expect to switch straight from top gear to bottom gear. You need to keep the gears oiled and you need to learn how to use them adroitly and quickly. When you manage this the transitions between the parts of the day become at least bearable.
