They split you up, your son and daughter, they may not mean to, but they do.
Philip Larkin is the patron saint of parent blamers and it doesn't require a Masters degree in psychology to attribute character defects and personality shortcomings to poor parenting. However the reproach that dare not speak its name is children blaming.
Everybody knows about the fearful consequences of favouritism by parent towards child; there is no surer path to resentment and disunity. Few talk about favouritism by child towards parent. But the fact of the matter is three's a crowd and the cuckoo in the nest is your newborn.
You think I joke but my toddler son has a working vocabulary of about 50 words (with bus and train being by far the most emotionally significant); if he wants something he can manage 'mama bed', 'mama bath', 'mama shoe' but his most emphatic expression is reserved for when he catches me giving his mother a hug: 'No papa cuddles!' It's like living with an infant Mother Superior.
Indeed the only time I can safely embrace my wife is when he is fast asleep or, ironically, when he is himself hugging her knees; then I can safely take her in my arms until he realises with a shout of indignation he's become the relish in a parent sandwich.
My wife obviously finds this hilarious but I can tell she thoroughly endorses his decision to clasp himself, literally, to the maternal bosom. The painful truth is I have nothing to offer beside holding him upside down when he's having a meltdown (surprisingly effective but best not utilised on the Tube or in the G.P.'s waiting room).
It's very important, however, that you don't let your child render you redundant. Remind your wife what you can give that a 2 year old never can, like paying the gas bill no more than a week late and making sure that the Ocado man gets all the plastic bags to take away.
We have a king size bed but the little prince has rendered the true monarch a serf in his own kingdom, father beseeching son for the right to occupy a narrow strip one foot wide. So much so that I often think it would be easier if I just slept in his cot, or by the bins which he thinks is my deserved post in the household.
I have come to realise that the fundamental issue here is inequality of arms. There is nothing for it I will have to have a daughter.
